Do you want to make sure she’ll never forget you, no matter how hard she tries? Then read on for a tried and tested way to feature prominently in your girlfriend’s next lingerie gift horror stories.
Three easy ways to ruin the surprise
Buying underwear for a lover can be one of the most satisfying and terrifying experiences of your relationship. Get it right and you’ll have a fantastic Valentine’s or Christmas. Get it wrong and you’ll get a starring role the next time she swaps lingerie horror stories with her BFFs. If you’ve been getting on far too well and you could do with a break from all that fantastic sex, just follow these three easy ways to ruin any lingerie gift. Guaranteed.
Easy Way 1: Be a selfish bastard
Buying a lingerie gift for your woman is all about you, really. It’s about your fantasies of scantily clad models or actresses, your fantasies of her and passionate nights to remember. Let’s be honest here, that’s the only reason any self-respecting man would ever buy lingerie for his woman.
It doesn’t matter if buying her the lingerie set of your dreams is at all appropriate for your relationship with her. If you haven’t gone all the way yet, don’t waste any more time, let her know about your desire. I’m sure she’ll greet your present with squeals of delight. If you’ve been through a hard time recently, she’ll appreciate the reminder that you find her sexy regardless. And if she’s had a baby recently, what better time for a not-so-subtle hint that you have needs, too.
It doesn’t matter either if she’s prefers elegance, romance or the latest fashion trends. What do you like? A cheeky maid’s uniform? Peek-a-boo bras, crotchless panties or a latex body suit? And don’t forget the old favourite – edible undies.
It definitely doesn’t matter that almost all women would rather hide some or all of their bodies. It should be enough that you like her body and want to see more of it. Pick lingerie which puts the focus squarely on your favourite bits, just ignore her silly body hang-ups. This is about you, isn’t it?
Easy Way 2: Be a clueless idiot
Don’t know her size? Never mind, just guess. With eight out of ten women wearing the wrong size anyway – and that’s after doing their own shopping! – you can’t be blamed for getting it wrong. Eyeball her assets, let the shop assistants know how many handfuls and they’ll be able to get you sorted. There’s bound to be one that fits. Its better for you to buy a little smaller than bigger, I’m sure if you remember all those models bursting out of their bras, you can imagine why.
Don’t know what colours she likes? Never mind, beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. If you think red looks tempting on her – excellent choice. It’s the colour of passion, love and Valentine’s, after all. By the way, see-through fabrics are always worth considering, too, and animal prints, the crazier the better.
Don’t know the type of bra she likes? What kind of panties she wears? Never mind, just pick what works for you. Can’t go wrong with a push-up bra and who could say no to a bit of extra padding. Don’t confuse yourself with figuring out the difference between French knickers, G-strings, thongs or boy shorts. Just picture her in the items available, and pick your favourite. If she’s really into you, she’ll wear it. It’s for you, after all.
If (through no fault of your own) you missed out on being a selfish bastard or a clueless idiot, there’s always
Easy Way 3: Be a cheapskate
Don’t bother wasting money on luxurious or sensuous fabrics like silk, lace or expensive details like intricate embroidery – she’s barely going to have it on her skin for more than five minutes. There’s no need for comfort either. Sensitive skin is for sissies. And at the end of the day, machos have no need to know about cotton gussets.
Don’t bother wasting time looking for a well-constructed bra and exceptional workmanship. With such a slim chance of picking her perfect bra size out of the over 150 available (not kidding at all!), it’d be an irresponsible squandering of your hard-earned cash. She’ll praise you extra for being thrifty and resourceful if you find one in the bargain bin AND locate the matching panties (of your preference, naturally).
And don’t bother wasting time or money having your lingerie gift wrapped up nicely in the shop. That’s just another way to screw you out of money. The bag it came in is good enough. You might want to remove the receipt though, so that she doesn’t think you’re gloating about your ability to find extreme bargains. Unless you like to do that, in which case, knock yourself out sport. It’s all about you, ultimately.
P.S. We’re collecting our own lingerie horror stories, so if you could just ask her to get in touch with us, we’ll be ever so pleased. Thank you.